i hate coffee.

well no not really it just makes me very jittery and all shakey and worried if i have to much or too strong a drink. ive got some therapy today. i think everyones a god dam writer because everyones real arent they? today how was today:
it started off better than most i didnt have to walk in the rain and i made it to jazz club and faced my old director in the hallways with a big smile, and faced chad in english and celest in the halls as well. i kept my head up and on tight when rachel exploaded in the bathroom and kept katie calm on our way back from lunch i even sat with taylor and zoe and had fun for once. then after school i was able to sincerely comfort taylor about her fears of everyone hating her. im screwing up some ok things i think? just the right things i dont worry about what i say here anymore, i just spill. i couldnt bring myself to give tuesday one of my stuffed animals to sleep with because i'd feel like i was killing it. its like when finny says in a seperate peace that when you really love something it loves you back in what ever way it has to love. i thought about how much as a kid i loved my stuffed animals and thought that maybe some of my intense love was reflecting from and off of them onto me maybe i already gave them a soul so they can feel pain too in some weird unknown way.
Something always just tells me i shouldnt give them to her.i'll pick one up and get a serge. i decided to be the tooth fairy for halloween- my ideas sound more and more like my moms everyday, they're both pleasently off beat and off the shelf and nocked over and slightly tilted so they're not exactly creative but more crazy. And i dont care i love my mom more than anyone in the whole wide world. i need to find more rose quartz for katies new house and tiger eyes to hide in my room. im reading this book called other voices other rooms. it has a scrawny boy in it an uncle with autisum and a step mother who likes to kill birds. i can see that, the killing birds i mean, i'm begining to think that she just likes things dead so they can be more easily put into place and kept stable like that forever. OH just like how the uncle killed that butterfly and put it under a lime glass on missouris pendent hmm am i sensing a motif....haha oh mr. english teacher your head is shaped like an egg and oh sam fuentez your harpsicord is cool.